I have been doing some serious praying and thinking the past few days since my last blog entry.  I have been seeking Christ and meeting with a select few men in my life to tackle some core issues in my heart.  And what I keep thinking about today is the verse Romans 8:28 which states:

     "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

In my last blog entry I stated that the last few weeks have not been good for me.  I was in a low spot and just not doing good.  While there in that place, I kind of just lived in my sin, and things happened that were not good.  But looking back those couple of weeks, I see now how God used those two horrible weeks to bring Him glory.  At the end of those weeks, which was when I blogged the previous blog entry, some things were set into motion that I feel would not have been put into motion had I not had those two bad weeks.  It's almost like those bad weeks needed to happen.  Good truly is coming out of the bad here.  I have gained new wisdom and been shown new things and I am now tackling those issues (and wounds) in my heart with such intensity and vigor.

I am in awe how God does that.  His Grace and mercy are so overwhelming.  It is true that His love is so powerful and strong His passion for us just takes over.  I think I want to get a tattoo that states something about sinking in Grace, with Grace being an ocean.  It's part of the story of my life.

I need a vacation. I'm thankful that because of how hard I worked last year I get 37 hours of paid vacation time at my work. So I'm going to head up north and go camping. Just me and God. My dad will be there, and I will do some hiking with him, but I plan on mostly just going solo. It'll be a week to relax and unplug (no cell phone or computer or anything) but more importantly to experience God. And I pray I do. I need it right now.

So the last few weeks have been… probably more not so good than good. I almost feel like at times I was turning evil, though it's not true. But just a feeling. I'm trying to remember. I know that stepping up to management at
my job has been somewhat stressful for me. Lots of hours and just about no breaks. With that I almost feel like my life recently has been consumed by work. Though that's not true as well.

Honestly there is no excuse for the last few weeks. I have been lazy and avoiding people and spiritually on a low. With that has come some anger which in that, I did something that was quite stupid. I am so thankful and blessed for the friends and people that God has put in my life. Though I make mistakes and fall, they still love me and are there for me.

One thing I gotta share that God told me once that I will never forget. Jesus always has my heart. Always no matter what He has my heart and He is never letting go. I can avoid Him and run from Him and hurt Him but He still has my heart. He told me this when I was reading John chapter 6.

I say this because these past few weeks I feel like I have been disappointing God and really just not very good, avoiding people and God. But it brings me to tears to be reminded that He still loves me; He does not condemn me; He still has my heart. He is fighting for my heart, He is fighting for my heart.

A friend reminded me of a song today. It's called "How He Loves". She reminded me specifically of the second verse where it says "if grace is an ocean we're all sinking". I just am in awe of that. And then there's the part that says "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me". That just speaks to me even now knowing what my last few weeks have been. I am sinking in Grace.

I apologize if this blog entry seemed kinda random and skipped around a bit. I hope you made the connection though.

I am sinking in Grace.

I try to read a chapter a day out of Proverbs, though  I'm not really doing a good job at reading a chapter everyday.  But there is one chapter that seriously grabbed my heart.  Chapter 8, specifically verses 22-31.

"The Lord possessed me at the beginning of his work, the first of his acts of old.

Ages ago I was set up, at the first, before the beginning of the earth.

When there were no depths I was brought forth, when there were no springs abounding with water.

Before the mountains had been shaped, before the hills, I was brought forth, before he had made the earth with its fields, or the first of the dust of the world.

When he established the heavens, I was there; when he drew a circle on the face of the deep, when he made firm the skies above, when he established the fountains of the deep, when he assigned to the sea its limit, so that the waters might not transgress his command, when he marked out the foundations of the earth, then I was beside him, like a master workman, and I was daily his delight, rejoicing before him always, rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the children of man.

 

Proverbs 8:22-31, ESV

That passage of scripture makes my heart come alive!  It speaks to me of God's awesome power.  He is Creator of all things and rules all things.  It's just amazing.

The week of my birthday I had requested 5 days off of work.  I requested it off because I had some plans.  Plans that all got shot starting when my car got towed.  It got towed because apparently the parking spot I had been parking in for over a month (and the guy that lives where I live now parked there for over a year!) is not a "proper" parking spot.  So without warning of any kind, they just towed it.  It cost me $250 to get it out.  I didn't have all the money at the time and so thankfully my church community was able to pay most of it, but I still had to fork out what money I had.  Because of that, I didn't have enough money to go to Sonshine festival and I missed my ride there anyway.  So I ended up spending 5 days all by myself at home. I have not felt so bored or lonely in such a long time.  I never just am at home sitting around doing nothing.  But for those 5 days I pretty much was.  I mostly sat at the computer and did a lot of website work, most of which I spent re-doing The Journey House Church Network website.  Check it out!

But even when those 5 days ended and I have began to work 40 hours a week again, I still feel disconnected.  I haven't had my triad for a week or two now.  I haven't been in touch with people very much.  Mostly I've just been going to work, coming home, sitting in front of a t.v. or computer, and then going to bed.  That's pretty much it.  The people I live with are awesome and I've been spending quite a bit of time with them, but I feel like I have been isolating myself from the outside world, and I long to break out!

I feel like I realized that most of the world lives this way.  They just go to work, come home, and sit in front of a t.v. or computer for the rest of the evening until bed time.  Then they wake up and do it all over again.  And they don't hardly get out; go for a walk outside; go to Caribou and read a book; meet a friend in the park; go golfing with buddies; sit and talk with a friend that needs encouragement; mentor a child; volunteer at a non-profit or at church.  I'm not saying that no one ever does these things.  But it just seems like most people live their own little secluded lives.  I think it's boring, and the past week I have been living this way and so I have felt very disconnected from my community and the rest of the world.  It's just a boring life to me.  Who would want to read or watch (if your life was filmed) that kind of story?  Not me.

I read a book a little wile back titled A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller.  I highly encourage you and suggest to you to read it.  It's a book about life story.  It's written around Don's life, but he talks about going from living a normal boring life, to an inspiring and meaningful life.  And with that, I no longer want to live a normal American life.  I want to live out of the ordinary.  I want to be radical and live a life living out my dreams and passions!  And  I want to change lives.  And I know a lot of people reading this may be thinking "Yeah right!  Good luck" but really, it's a life that I truly can live.

So, with all of that, I think it's time I get out of this slump of being disconnected that I've been in and start living again!

Hey.

So, Friday is my birthday.  I'll be turning 22.  I think 22 will be a good age.  21 seems like an age where you get a lot of crap.  22 seems, to me, a little more un-noticed if that makes sense.

I'm thinking about all that has happened in the last year.  The thing that's been on my mind the most is,  on my 21st birthday, I went on a date with a girl.  It was my first date ever, and my first girlfriend ever.  We dated for only 3 months.  To be honest, my heart has still not  yet moved on to a different girl.  Anyway, while I was in that relationship, I began to see a few things in my heart that I was blinded to.  For some reason, being in a relationship with a girl for my first time helped the eyes of my heart to open to some things.  And not really good things.  And so began my desert journey that I have blogged about a few times here.

That's it for now.