I feel like the last month, there has been a lot that has happened on my journey into the desert.

Over the last month I have been becoming more and more very aware of what I really believe in my heart down at it's core.  One thing that I have learned is that what I really believe about myself, my identity and who I am, is not good.  In the core of my heart I believed that I was a super ugly, immature mess that cannot be fixed.  It is true that you operate out of who you really believe you are.  Believing that about myself in the core of my heart, I realized I have really been living out of that, operating out of that.  I think that's why I have struggled for almost my whole life with having a high self-esteem.  I have always had a low self-esteem.

I have also learned that my deepest darkest struggle is really about my identity.

When you're like me and in the very core of your heart you believe something that is not true, it really makes it hard to accept truth from others and from God.  I have always had a hard time accepting people tell me they like me and say good things about me.  I had a hard time believing they would think that about me because I didn't believe that or think that about myself at all.

Also this past month I have really been doubting a lot.  I have been doubting Jesus being real.  Jesus living in me.  I have almost been doubting God's existence, wondering if He is really real and wondering if everything was just a big fat lie that I was living.  With this doubting I have been experiencing some anger.  Anger at myself and anger at God.  But at the same time I was extremely fearful.  Afraid of falling away, falling out of God's Kingdom.  Falling out of a relationship with Jesus.  I also believe that this doubting is in relation to what I really believe about myself.

But this last Wednesday I believe I had a life changing breakthrough.  And not a life changing breakthrough for just a couple of days or weeks, but for the rest of my life.  I was having my triad and I was telling them about all of this.  Telling them I still struggle with what I struggle with.  Telling them I have been doubting God.  Telling them what I have learned that I really believe about myself in the core of my heart.

I found myself arguing with my triad.  They were trying to tell me truth, but I was arguing and telling them they were wrong.  Finally, one of them almost yelled at me (in a good way) telling me to quit arguing and to accept the truth.  Accept the truth about myself…

…….

I was silent

……

then I began to cry

…….

I let go.

Truth came to me.  Truth that I have heard time and time again.  Truth such as "I AM a new creation in Christ!!  The old self has passed away.  It no longer exists!  Not at all!  What is now is the new."  and "I AM living in His Kingdom right now!  Right now I AM His child and I am living with Him in His Kingdom!  And when I fall short, it doesn't mean that I have stepped out of His Kingdom.  There is no stepping out of God's Kingdom, because I am in His Kingdom forever as His child!"

This truth shattered the lies at the core of my heart.  And it took root.  It required letting go of the lies and letting go of what I really believed about myself, which was painful, and accepting the truth.

But I am FREE!!  Christ has set me free!  He set me free a long time ago.

So for the past week, since last Wednesday, life really has been awesome.  I feel like I have stepped into a new area of strength and masculinity and confidence in who I really am.  I know now what my identity is.  And I believe it.  And that makes all the difference in my life.

And then just another quick thing: I was reading in Galations and there is a passage where Paul is talking about walking in the Spirit.  He says to sacrifice the desires of the flesh and walk in the Spirit.  The line "Sacrifice the desires of the flesh" has been on my mind a lot.  And so I have found that when I am tempted with something, I just think about me sacrificing the desires of my flesh so that I can walk in the Spirit.  And so far that has also been amazing.

God is awesome.

I just did a rough recording tonight of one of my songs.  Check it out and tell me what you think!

http://myspace.com/joshuakylemusic

Lyrics:

Can't see the road, in front of me

And feeling lonely, lost by myself

I can't see You anywhere

It feels like You are not here

So I cry out to You

I cry out to You

I need You, here in my life

There has never been anyone like You

Without You there is nothing to live for

Cause it is You who give me life

So I cry out to You "Save me"

And I cry out to You "Have all of me"

And I cry out to You "Save me"

And I cry out to You "Have all of me"

This week I have been thinking a lot about me living in my own little kingdom and how Jesus doesn't want me to live in my own little kingdom, but wants me to live in His Kingdom.

I read a book a few years ago that describes a little bit about what I am talking about.  The book is called This Beautiful Mess by Rick Mckinley.  In the beginning of Chapter 2, Rick tells a story about sitting next to a king on an airplane:

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And then in the beginning of chapter 3, Rick says,

So, I was invited by a friend to go on an epic biking trip from LA to Minneapolis.  She is at the moment (or maybe not at the moment, but will be) going to school in LA and is going to go back home in MN for a short visit (I guess I don't really know why.. is school done?) and instead of just flying home, she thought it would be cool to be adventurous and bike home!  So her brother and herself have been conversing about this (her brother lives in California I think) and they are getting a small group and making plans.

So with that, I have decided that I want to be a part of it.  Lord willing!  I think it would be so cool!  It would be an awesome story full of stories to tell!  So, I gotta start running and biking and getting into shape!!  I think the plan is sometime at the end of July to start the epic ride.

So anyway, I was just so excited that I thought I would blog a little about it.  More to blog about this later as I learn more and find out the reality of me really going or not.