Ok.. I have 2 things to blog about really quick…

The first is that someone came through the drive thru at my work tonight and ordered a few Taco Bell items. The car was full of young people (late teens.. early 20's?) that looked like they were drunk and high on drugs.

The driver, being high himself, just plainly looked at me.

Sad. Sad sad face. He looked so sad. So lost.

I felt like inside he was screaming for someone to save him.

My heart actually stirred very deeply for him. This weight fell on my shoulders and I felt burdened to pray for him. And I actually cried, because I was so moved by the look in his face.

And the second thing is… I am amazed (not really in a good way) at how two people can go from loving each other and being very close, to then all of a sudden not caring for each other anymore. Or maybe not all of a sudden, but over time that close bond they had dissolves.

It really saddens me.

 The last 48 hours I have really been thinking about my journey that I am on… a journey of my heart walking into the desert to meet with Jesus and allow Him to heal me and truly be the God of my life.

And I got to thinking, what if I'm wrong?

I am not doubting that this is a journey that I need to embark on.  I know I need to.  I know it is where God is calling me for this moment of my life.

But I got terribly afraid all of a sudden of change not happening.  I am afraid that I am doing this whole thing wrong and because of that, I will remain forever the monster that I am.

Yes, I called myself a monster.  Because of the things that I am struggling with, if I continue to just indulge myself in that sin, it truly makes me a monster.  Not human.

So there you have it, quick and short.

I am really afraid of not growing.  Afraid of my heart not changing.  Afraid of not maturing.  Afraid of becoming more selfish.  Afraid of God not being my God.  Afraid of me falling away from Jesus.

I am afraid of remaining where I am and staying the current person that I am.

I know, maybe I shouldn't be afraid.  But I'm just being honest here.  I'm afraid.

And with all of this I think comes a touch of anger.  I am mad at the world and mostly mad at myself.  Mad at myself for being the monster that I am.  But then mad at the world because I feel almost completely alone in all of this.

I just keep on plugging away though.  Learning to trust in the Creator of the universe.  He's really the only reason to live for.

I grew up in a Christian family. My mom told me that before I was born, she and my dad came together and prayed that God would give them a son (me) that would have the calling of a pastor in life. Then, right before I was born, my mom would have dreams that I was preaching in front of thousands of people.

Growing up I have always wanted to be a pastor. I remember when we went to "church" on Sundays I would always mimic the pastor: dress like him, walk like him, everything like him. The pastor always told me and my family that I had a pastoral calling on my life. My family also would sometimes go to "special speaker" meetings and usually everytime they laid their hands on me, they would prophesy that I would be a pastor in life.

There was a short season of my life where I actually wanted to be like Benny Hinn. He was my hero: wealthy and always had a crowd of thousands. My senior year in high school however, I lost my desire for pastoring. I didn't want to be a pastor. I didn't know what I wanted to do or be. I think I left God during my senior year of high school. I didn't do anything bad, like drugs or sex or alcohol. But I did not live life with or for Jesus. I was searching for my identity. I was searching for my purpose. I was searching, really, for Jesus. Then some friends of mine that I was living with gave me a book by Donald Miller titled "Blue Like Jazz" to read. That book God used to completely "turn my world upside down." In that book, and in other books by Donald Miller, Don completely breaks down religion. He seperates a "religious life" from a "Gospel life." It was then that I began to realize that life is not just living "for God," but it is also living "with God" in relationship with Him. It's stepping out of my kingdom and claiming "Jesus as Lord" and stepping into His Kingdom.

Anyway, when that happened, my desire for being a pastor came back. But it was different this time. Benny Hinn was not my hero, Matt Chandler was. I love Matt Chandler. His podcasts absolutely are amazing and God has used Matt to help change my heart and life. If I was ever going to be the "pastor behind the pulpit," I would want to be like Matt Chandler. But as I continue on my journey, which is a journey of my heart, more and more I do not desire to be the "pastor behind the pulpit."

When I moved to Cambridge I joined a House Church Network. It's a network called "The Journey" and under this network there are currently 3 house churches. Each house church meets once a week in a different person's home and once a month we all come together in one place to have what we call The Gathering. House church has really completely changed my look on "church" and "being a pastor." In today's world, we think of a pastor as "the guy behind the pulpit." And that's it. But really? Is that what a pastor is? And where is the rest of the 5-fold ministry? The Bible says that some are called as Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors, and Teachers (I think in that order?).  But really, all I see is the "pastor behind the pulpit."  If you ask me, I think the pulpit position actually should go more towards the Teacher.

Jesus was the perfect example of a pastor.  The disciples walked with Jesus.  Key word here: walked.  They lived life with Jesus.  They learned hands on.  They learned from Him by doing what He did.  Jesus did not stand behind a pulpit with his disciples coming to his church services once a week and being lectured to and then sent home.  Now I'm not saying that "preaching behind a pulpit" is bad.  I believe we do need that.  And Jesus certainly did a lot of preaching to crowds of people.  What I'm saying is that is not the only thing a pastor does.  A pastor disciples; pours into people's lives; fights for people; cultivates and builds relationships and pushes them towards Christ; and teaches.  I do not see a lot of that, except maybe the teaching, with our "pastors" definition of the people we put behind the pulpits.

So with all of that, I still believe I have a pastoral calling on my life.  I believe that God is changing me and molding me and transforming my heart as a heart of a pastor.  I just really don't know what that pastoral calling looks like in my life.  I do not believe it's the pastor behind the pulpit.  I don't even know if that's what I want to be.  But all I can do is keep pressing into Jesus, letting Him change me and guide me, and trust in Him.